What had started as secret sexual pleasure at 14 when a male neighbour had introduced him to pornography, but then later seduced him, now enslaved him. When the neighbour left town Tony discovered by accident that at certain toilets he could meet men for casual, anonymous sex anytime he wanted.

So when strong adolescent sexual desires were developing in his body he did not have the emotional and moral maturity to resist sexual activities he knew were wrong, he was prematurely introduced to sex. Meantime he was still attending Church, where his parents were involved in leadership.

However the tension between his Christian beliefs and hidden sexual lifestyle caused him much guilt and remorse. There were many sleepless nights because of worry. Study was being affected. He also realised that sex was consuming more and more of his time. It was like an addiction: the more he had the more he wanted, but he was never satisfied. A little bit of pleasure but so much guilt afterwards.

Could God ever forgive him? Who could he talk with about his problems? What was his sexual identity - he certainly preferred the company of girls rather than boys at school and wanted to get married. On occasions he had tried to talk to his Youth Pastor about his problems but was too frightened feeling he would be rejected and misunderstood.

Life was like constantly walking in the valley of the shadow of death. His prayer was that of Romans 7: 24, "who will deliver me from this body which is doomed to die." So it was almost a relief when his mother discovered his pornography hidden at the bottom of a drawer, He poured out all his story to shocked tearful parents - at last there was someone who knew his story.

Fortunately they loved their son, accepted him in spite of his struggles and said they were committed to help him. Their loving response was to play a crucial part of his journey out of his problems. Eventually his parents found out about Exodus and advised Tony to go for counselling. They also needed support as well, wondering where they had gone wrong in bringing up their son. Realising Tony had been seduced and then made wrong choices about his behaviour helped relieve their guilt. So, when Tony came to see an Exodus worker for counselling he had been actively sexually involved for two years. He joined a group of men with similar needs for counselling, healing prayer and support. At last he felt he could talk about his problems in a non-judgmental environment where people really understood his problems.

There were some men in the group who had same sex involvement but were emotionally and physically attracted to the women. They were confused in their sexual identity and had learnt sinful habits and wrong ways to meet their sexual needs. It was more like sexual relief, a habit. He felt like them. Other men in the group were both emotionally and sexually involved with the same sex. Tony realised that many of the men had not bonded in an intimate close way to their father and sex was their way of getting legitimate same sex needs met. These men would call themselves homosexual.

Yet in Genesis 1:26-28 Tony saw that ALL of us are in innately hetrosexual. It is only sin that has confused our sexual identity. The advice of the men was simple but profound. "God never gives up on you, so don't you give up either and be accountable" and he learnt of a God who constantly loved, forgave and healed.

Freedom from his problems was slow. For the first year it seemed he was not making progress. His sexual desires were as strong as ever and worse, He knew how easy it was to satisfy them in the wrong way. He had not yet learnt to resist. If he wasn't still having sex with men, he was buying pornography. Often he was doing both. So there seemed only occasional times of freedom, Yet he was still determined to change and his parents were as supportive as ever.

At times they despaired too. Hearing other men's slow progress to change reminded him that there was no instant deliverance from problems or a magic cure. That one day he would wake up with no temptations or wrong thoughts. No, he had to learn to renew his mind, be disciplined in use of his time and accountable for the use of his behaviour. Things that don't come easy to any of us let alone a 16 year old!

The second year of counselling and support was better when there were weeks of no sexual activity at all. By the end of the year he realised he had only been involved with men sexually four times! He also became accountable to his Youth Pastor and found in him a friend and counsellor. Friendship with other young male teenagers was developing, which was something he had always wanted. Now he could use spare time meaningfully.

It is his third year of his recovery journey. Pornography is still a challenge. He has to always avoid certain book stores and toilets but he realises he can say "No" to sexual desires. There are times when temptation sweeps over him all day and the battle is bitter and long, other times he can simply dismiss them.
Yet, Tony knows there is such a thing as freedom in Christ to be the man God has made him to be. That is what the Cross is all about.

EXODUS INTERNATIONAL offers support and counselling primarily for those who wish to leave homosexuality. For enquiries about Exodus phone BRISBANE 07 33714705 MELBOURNE 03 9699 2254